Two Journeys

Let me just take a moment to step back from my journey to say that for every few steps in either direction I take, I always manage to take a few the other way too. 

Friday I had my first programming lesson. I was so excited. Everything made sense. I saw what I wanted to do more clearly than ever before and, for a moment, I saw the path I needed to take. I saw the triads; I saw how I would need to merge the skills. And I thought I heard a little voice whispering "set me free". 

But today. My hand acted up. I was useless. I saw how I had no part of a future. There was no point to me. 

And I am longing to be someone. There are those who believe I'm better. That I'm a creator. I could be a goddess. I understand and I know I could create. My mind burns with power. 

And loneliness. I'm empty. My two journeys bleed into each other. I don't know if this cleverness, this wonder in me is feeding light or dark; soul or destruction. 

Once I marveled about whether I would choose humanity or fae nature. There is one choice I'd cling to, if I could, and I'd be happy. But I can't. So I'm taking the second choice and I don't know who I'm becoming. 

I don't know who I'm becoming.